Thanks to the Internet, pornography remains one of today’s most insidious threats to dignity and family. It destroys relationships, undermines love, and it traps viewers in a web of addiction.
How can we battle against it? How can we free people from its allure? How can guide our family, children, and ourselves down the path of purity?
My good friend Matt Fradd has thought a lot about these questions. The popular speaker and author travels the country speaking about pornography, masculinity, and chastity. One of his most popular talks, “The Man Talk”, helps men live authentically masculine lives. Another talk, “Taking Down Goliath,” helps men escape pornography addiction.
Several years ago, Matt launched a website called The Porn Effect in order to undermine the pornography culture. He’s currently revamping the site and I’d invite you to join me in kicking in a few bucks to help (he’s already reached his goal, but the more he raises, the better the site!)
Today Matt and I are sitting down, however, to discuss his new book, Delivered: True Stories of Men and Women Who Turned from Porn to Purity. It’s a powerful collection of stories and you can pick up your copy for only $2 at MattFraddDelivered.com.
BRANDON: Let’s start off with some basics about your new book, Delivered. How did the book emerge and what can people expect?
MATT FRADD The substance of the book is ten stories of those who turned from porn to purity. Well-known chastity expert Jason Evert wrote the Foreword, and at the end I give a five-step battle plan to help you become free of pornography, but in between we have powerful stories from real men and women. These include some from those in the sex industry and even a story from a husband and wife who write, together, about the hell they went through with pornography addiction.
It’s very honest and sometimes frightening when you think of the prospect of where porn can lead you. But it’s ultimately hopeful when you glimpse the healing and freedom these people have experienced in their own lives. It was my hope that through these stories people will be encouraged, educated, and learn how to break free.
BRANDON: The book features ten testimonials. Were there one or two that really stood out to you?
MATT FRADD One of my favorites was written by a lady who used to be a stripper. This lady—we’ll call her June—was actually in my youth group some years ago. We prayed the Rosary together, went on retreats, and I always thought the world of her.
Sometime after she graduated, we heard that June had left the faith. So I contacted her through Facebook to see how she was doing. Sure enough, I discovered she had become a stripper. When I inquired about that choice she was quite defensive. She said that if I had a problem with that, it was my fault. But I reassured her that I wasn’t there to judge her, only to check on her because I cared about her. I asked whether she would mind if I did an interview with her about what it was like being a stripper.
Now, keep in mind, this wasn’t a woman who had left stripping, or who had a conversion to Christ. This was a girl who was going to her next gig that night. She eventually agreed to an interview and we exchanged emails. She expressed to me how horrible the industry was and how she had to spend most of the money she made on getting drunk, which she needed in order to strip. She painted a really grim picture. So I said, “It doesn’t sound like you’re very happy. Have you thought of quitting?” She replied, “Well, I can’t because I have this debt I need to pay off.” So I asked, “If my wife and I are able to pay that debt, will you stop stripping?” And she replied, “Oh no, I’m not that kind of girl. I can’t take handouts like that.” So I said, “Now listen, you’re willing to take your clothes off for money, but you’re not willing to put them back on for money?” And she admitted, “OK. That’s a good point.”
Now, I loved June but I didn’t exactly trust her. So I asked for her boss’ phone number and told June I would call him to confirm that she had quit, and if she had, then my wife and I would send the check. Well, sure enough, she quit, and we were able to send her the money as well as some great chastity materials that Jason and Crystalina Evert had donated. I also bought her a nice Miraculous Medal. June eventually came over to our house for dinner where my wife and I convinced her to go to Confession.
Throughout this whole process, I interviewed June a few different times about what it was like leaving the stripper industry. Those three interviews are featured in Delivered and are probably my favorite parts of the book. It’s just such a powerful story.
BRANDON: The Church and our culture often paint these chastity issues as exclusively male problems. But your book shows how lots of women struggle with pornography, too. Can you talk about that?
MATT FRADD Many of us chastity speakers are partly to blame for this misperception. We don’t help when we say things like, “Pornography is a guy issue. Women might struggle with romance novels, but visual pornography is a guy problem.” What we didn’t realize—and I’ll speak for myself—is that we were isolating these women all the more.
As men, we can imagine the shame that comes with looking at pornography. But imagine if you’re a woman who is taught that this is a guy’s issue, so I therefore shouldn’t be struggling with that. You can see how the shame is all the more present.
The fact is there is a growing rate of young women looking at visual pornography and becoming addicted. In my book, we have two stories of young women who moved from porn to purity. One is Jessica Harris, who runs a terrific website called BeggarsDaughter.com, a website for women struggling with pornography.
The other is Catholic musician Audrey Assad, who also struggled with pornography as a young women and, by God’s grace, was eventually freed. This is Audrey’s first published work about that experience.
I’m tremendously grateful to both women for their courage in sharing their stories. I really hope young women who read this book will find comfort in realizing that they’re not alone, while also realizing that hope and healing are available to them.
BRANDON: I asked you in a previous interview how somebody struggling with pornography could find freedom and healing. But I’d like to ask a related question. What advice would you give to a spouse whose husband or wife is struggling with pornography?
MATT FRADD That’s a great question. The first thing a spouse should recognize if their loved one is viewing porn is that you are entirely justified in feeling hurt and angry. You ought to feel those things. If you didn’t feel those things, there might be something wrong with you.
The second thing is to approach your spouse about the problem. Now, if you’re afraid about approaching him or her, worried that you’ll get emotional or angry, you might consider writing a letter to your spouse. In the letter, reaffirm your deep love and respect. When a man turns to pornography, and betrays your love and objectifies women, that’s not his intention. That’s of course what ends up happening, but that wasn’t his intention. His primary aim is sexual excitement or to help soothe feelings of loneliness or isolation. So affirm your love for your spouse.
Third, I would seriously encourage you to tell your spouse about Covenant Eyes. This is an Internet filter and accountability software. Once you download it, it asks you to insert the email of an accountability partner who will receive a report every two weeks, letting them know what your spouse has been viewing online. I do not suggest that you, as the spouse, be the accountability partner, because I don’t think that would be healthy (though that’s up to you to decide.) But you need to encourage your spouse to become accountable to someone in this struggle—a friend, a mentor, a priest, etc.
On the flipside, if there are any husbands or wives reading this who themselves are struggling with pornography, consider writing a note to your spouse. Get your thoughts out on paper. Be sure to emphasize, “These are the ways I’m fighting against this for your sake…” Don’t just say, “I’ve been looking at porn.” Say, “I’ve loved you, I’ve betrayed you, but here are the changes I’ve implemented because our marriage and children are so important to me. I’m praying, I’m fasting, I’m frequenting the Sacrament of Confession, and I’ve connected with an accountability partner to help me.”
Finally, check out the book, Delivered. We’re selling it for just $2 per book. To be honest, part of the reason we’re selling it for so little is because Catholic Answers, the publisher, didn’t think the book would sell. There’s a reason you don’t see many, if any, other books containing pornography conversion stories: the people who need them don’t buy them. So we want to get this book to as many people as possible. Therefore when you buy a box of twenty, it’s just $2 per book. Give them out at church, or at your school, or among your friends. Let’s help conquer this problem together.
Check out Matt’s website, MattFradd.com and be sure to follow him on Facebook and Twitter.
Also pick up your copy of Delivered for just $2.
If you liked this discussion you’ll find several more on my Interviews page. Subscribe free via feed reader or email and ensure sure you don’t miss future interviews.